The real reason you're feeling so angry lately.

I remember my husband asking me one day:

"Why are you so angry all the time?"

The question caught me off guard because I didn't think of myself as an angry person. I wasn't someone who yelled or had a short temper, at least, that's what I believed.

But when I look back now, I can see that I was expressing a lot of anger.

One moment stands out more than any other. My oldest son, Ben, was only four years old. I was trying to get him ready for bed and he was resisting every step of the way. He was overtired, I was exhausted. I had nothing left, no patience or capacity and eventually I shouted. It wasn’t just a raised voice, I really shouted.

I will never forget the look on his face, the hurt, the fear. I felt so much shame and guilt for making him feel that way, my little boy who I loved more than anything. I felt like such a horrible person.

I hugged him and told him how sorry I was and that he had done nothing wrong and I finally got him into bed. Then once he was settled I went into my bathroom, closed the door, slid to the floor and sobbed. 

That was one of the first moments I remember thinking “I can’t keep going on like this.”

I couldn't keep living this way.

At the time, I thought anger was the problem but now I understand it differently.

The anger wasn't actually anger. It was so much more. 

It was sadness.

It was loneliness.

It was resentment.

It was overwhelm.

It was fear.

It was years of putting everyone else's needs before my own.

Years of pushing through exhaustion.

Years of telling myself I was fine when I wasn't.

Years of swallowing what I felt because there was always something or someone else that seemed more important.

All of those emotions had nowhere to go so they came out as anger because eventually, what we refuse to feel finds another way to be expressed.

I see this type of anger often with women, especially in midlife. Many tell me they feel angry all the time.

They're snapping at their partners.

They're impatient with their children.

They're frustrated by things that never used to bother them.

And they often assume something is wrong with them.

Maybe it's stress.

Maybe it's hormones.

Maybe it's perimenopause.

And while those things can absolutely play a role, I think there's often something deeper happening.

The anger isn't coming out of nowhere, it's trying to get your attention. 

It's asking you to notice where you've been overextending yourself.

Where you've been silencing yourself.

Where you've been carrying too much.

Where you've been abandoning yourself.

Sometimes anger is what happens when the parts of you that have been ignored for years finally start speaking up. They’re not trying to hurt you, they are trying to help you.

Now, when I feel anger rising, I ask myself 

"What is this anger trying to show me?"

Because sometimes anger isn't the problem. Sometimes it's the messenger and the message might just change everything.

Mel x