The Blank Piece of Paper That Grew Into a Map Back to Myself

In last week’s blog I told you about the flowers. The ones I bought myself on the drive home from my therapist's office, close to ten years ago now, after I couldn't answer one simple question: What do you like to do?

What I didn't tell you is what happened right after.

That same week, I taped a blank piece of paper to the inside of one of my kitchen cupboards. Nothing fancy. Just a plain sheet, tucked where I'd see it every time I reached for a mug. At the top I wrote, "Mel's Joy List."

And then I started adding to it. Anything that made me happy. Anything that lit me up, or brought me a sense of calm, or made me feel peaceful, or just felt good, it went on the list. No rules about what counted. If it made something in me soften or light up, even a little, it went on that list.

The flowers were the first thing I wrote down. They were the first thing I'd done purely for myself in longer than I could remember, so it only felt right that they'd start the list.

The list took a long time to grow. I was starting from scratch. I hadn’t done anything just for myself in years, I was constantly pouring everything into everyone else that I didn’t know what brought me joy. That list grew slowly, one thing at a time.

Some of the things I added were:

1. A soft blanket to snuggle under while reading a book. 

2. A new mug, because I love tea and had never once bought myself a "nice" one just because. 

3. A walk with no destination. 

4. An honest conversation with my husband that I'd been avoiding for weeks. 

5. Going to a yoga class.

Some entries were simple and easy, some took more courage. 

It took time and listen to me when I say this, it’s supposed to take time. You're not behind if your list starts with one thing on it and maybe nothing at all. Maybe it just starts with the title.

That list is still alive today, nearly 10 years later. It’s not inside the kitchen cupboard anymore but in my journal. It's grew into something I didn't expect when I first taped that paper to the cupboard, it became a map back to myself.

When you've spent years abandoning your own needs, you actually lose track of what you like and want. Slowly, over time, without you even noticing, until someone asks you the question and you realize you don't have an answer anymore.

Every time I added something to my list, I was relearning a small piece of who I was underneath everyone else's needs, underneath the roles and responsibilities that had become my purpose in life. Even now, on the days when I'm overwhelmed, or my brain is foggy, or I’m running on empty, and I know I need to do something for myself but I can't think straight enough to know what, I don't have to think. I just go to the list. It already knows.

Your joy list doesn't have to look like mine, maybe you call it something different. It could be on the back page of your journal, a note on your phone, a sticky note by your bathroom mirror, the one you'll see every day while you're brushing your teeth. Or maybe you do tape it to the inside of a cupboard, if that's what works.

The where doesn't matter. What matters is that you start writing down the small things that bring you back to yourself, the things that make you feel calm, or lit up, or just briefly, quietly like you again. You don't need to have big, sweeping answers about who you are. You just need one thing. Then another. That's how mine started too.

This is where you begin to rebuild the relationship with yourself, the self-trust. Where you start to prioritize yourself. 

Start yours today. Even if you just begin with a title or one thing to go on the list. That's exactly how mine began.

If you’re willing to share, hit reply and send me a photo of your list or what you’ve called it, I would love to hear from you.

Mel x