Letting Go is Part of Loving Well

Last week, we dropped our oldest son Benn off at Carleton University for his first year and these last few days have held so many feelings.

Love. Pride. Excitement. Hope. Inspiration. Sadness. Fear. Grief.

All of it, at the same time, in the same body. I honestly don't think I've felt a range like that in my entire life. Maybe saying goodbye to my family in England every time I go home but even that doesn't come close.

They tell you as your kids get older and more independent it's like your heart walking around outside your body. I always thought that was just a nice line people said. It's not a nice line. It's exactly, precisely what it feels like, driving home from Ottawa and leaving a piece of yourself behind in a dorm room.

As we drove up to his residence on that check-in day, I was remembering his first day of kindergarten, when he wrapped himself around my leg and would not let go. He was so shy, and I remember them so clearly, prying him off of me and walking away, leaving him behind

That literally feels like yesterday and this time, I was the one who wanted to cling on. But the beautiful and hardest part was that he didn't need me to. He's ready. At this stage, it's not that they stop needing you, it's that they need you differently, and your body hasn't quite caught up to that yet, mine definitely hadn't.

We are all going to miss him, Dave, his brother Sam, the animals. The house feels different just knowing that he's not going to be walking through that door for the next few weeks. I went grocery shopping yesterday and felt a lump in my throat when I looked at all his favourite foods and left them behind.

Dave and I have raised a resilient, kind young man who is genuinely ready to step forward and take this next chapter on, that's the whole point isn't it? How our greatest success as parents is to purposely break our own hearts. Watching Ben spread his wings and fly is my greatest accomplishment but also the very thing that rips my heart out in the most primal grief i've ever know.

Nobody prepares you for the identity shift that comes with watching your kids need you less. Pride and grief, sitting right next to each other, at the exact same time. Wondering who you are now, in a house that's a little quieter, with space you spent years wishing for and no idea, in this moment, what to do with it.

No one prepared me for how my body would react after spending nearly two decades knowing where my child was. Hearing him come home. Seeing him at the dinner table, and building my day around him. I have been checking my phone more often and sneaking a peak at his location on the Life 360 app a little too much but that will ease off I know.

I'm constantly wondering if he's ok. Overthinking how much or how little to text, trying to act "fine" while also grieving the change.

Everyone is telling me how excited I should be for Ben and don't get me wrong, I am SO excited but I also need to feel everything too. This isn't me being too attached, this is me adjusting to this huge change.

What helped me most wasn’t trying to stop the feelings. It was supporting my own nervous system through them. I went on walks, let the tears flow, talked with friends, breathed before reacting, stayed connected to my own purpose, and trusted the bond we had built over the years

I know that distance won't weaken our connection as we already have an amazing foundation but it has deepened my appreciation for it.

I am settling into the other side, watching him call and text with stories from this whole new chapter of his life. I am also asking what this next chapter looks like too. I get to have more one on one time with our youngest Sam and deepen that relationship, more time as a couple with Dave and I get to have more time for me and my dreams.

Ben's leaving doesn't mean I lost something, his leaving is proof that letting go really is part of loving someone well.

If you're in this season too, watching a kid walk into their own life, feeling twelve emotions before breakfast, and wondering what's next for you now that the house looks different, I'd love to know. What's this stage bringing up for you?

Mel x